Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship

How I wish I had a resource like this years ago when I was struggling with my marriage. I've read a number of relationship tune-up books throughout the years, and each helped somewhat. It was very encouraging to see those same familiar authors (Hendrix, Gottman, Perel, etc.) offering praise for Dr. Tatkins work at the get go. And the fact that he's put so much good information into a book that is less than 200 pages is a testament to his organized approach, which was friendly, playful, and effective. The explanations and exercises in the book proved to me for the first time that it's not just about doing positive things for your partner, and "thinking" about the relationship, but rather there are automatic responses that mess with a relationship no matter how much "thinking" we do. What a relief to know that problems can come from our biological wiring as well as our attachment history, and they can be easily managed once you know what to look for! While it was a relief to learn how these neurological autopilots can be tamed, it makes me sad to realize I mostly didn't know what my brain was doing when in past relationships in an effort to feel safe, which now seems tragic. Like I said, I wish I had this book sooner. By distilling a great deal of research into understandable language, Dr. Tatkin has laid out a path to intimacy that I'd not seen before but now, makes so much sense. I dare say he has improved my concept of what being in love should look and feel like. Frankly, it feels MUCH better than I ever could have imagined. No matter how good you think your relationship is, get this book!

Stan Tatkin's book "Wired for Love" is an excellent resource for couples and clinicians. I am clinical psychologist who works with couples. I have done training with Stan Tatkin and use his innovative and effective techniques with all of my couples. Stan's unique perspective on problems couples have provides hope and change for couples that have otherwise been "stuck" in problems for years. Even more, his approach for couples in fun and energetic, so they actually look forward to therapy sessions! Stan's book, "Wired for Love", presents his theory and techniques in an easy-to-understand and easy-to-use format for non-clinicians. It is very readable and accessible. I highly recommend it to couples who are having problems as well as couples who are doing well but want to understand themselves and their relationship dynamics better. There is a lot to learn from this book!

Very interesting information on relationship personalities. I found it easy to identify my spouse's "mo" and mine. The how to's of relationship improvement were clear and thorough. In fact, I decided to just relax a bit after reading the book because it was so honest about the amount of work required of me to "amp up" our 43 year marriage. It is definitely a great tool in understanding each partner's needs and fulfillment. The writing is much less textbook than many self help tomes written by therapists. While I have not lavished my husband with the advice given to me, I have incorporated some of it. It was uncomfortable to see how I was defined. I was a "wave" and wanted to be an "island." My husband was an "island." But, I saw myself from his perspective which was extremely beneficial. I highly recommend this book to anyone wanting to have a closer relationship with a signficant other. Gender in this book is of no importance which I found to be enlightening. There is no "it's a girl or a boy thing." There are no platitudes. I gave the book a four star review because I found myself skimming a lot of it. A therapist neighbor recommended it on a walk as something she was reading and liking. I am less motivated than she to apply all the nuances. Thus, I could not say it was stellar simply because I tend to save five stars for books more in my 'love to read" interests-- primarily fiction and non-fiction with more of a literary, spiritual or historical bent. I have less interest now in the" self "help catagory and more in the help" others" one. But, i realize that the first piece of helping others must be getting oneself fit in every aspect.

Stan's work and contribution to the field of couples therapy and psychology is truly ground breaking. It really raises the bar by incorporating the most modern discoveries of our brain and neuroscience with how we respond to being in a couple. We couple to feel good and feel safe. Stan's work shows us how different parts of our brain respond and how our brains are more sensitive to perceive threat than we are kindness. This knowledge can also help you to avoid making your partner feel poorly. The neuroscience is explained in a friendly way that everyone can follow and its incorporated with attachment theory concepts which are also a more modern knowledge base at the way we bond and couple. If you are hoping to understand how people create a safe, secure and loving lifetime relationship this book provides that knowledge. I would personally throw away any relationship guide written before this work or not incorporating the concepts that this work covers. This is the new and most accurate way to look at coupling.

I found myself reading this book for the third time in two years. Every time, I understand better or remember crucial concepts. I have given a copy of the book to my partner, because I want us to develop a shared understanding of relationship fundamentals and a common language to address common issues that arise in relationships. I’m a researcher and love the fact that Stan shares research-based knowledge and practices. This book is an easy and enjoyable reading, though; he avoids scientific jargon. There is no fluff in this book. A great foundation for any couple embarking on or in the midst of a serious relationship.

This guy can break down attachment styles so easily. This and his book “We Do” have been a great help to my marriage. Definitely recommend reading with your partner so you can discuss with each other. My partner took it very seriously, but preferred the audio books. Learning how to have a couple bubble is a must for a healthy relationship. Teaches you to both look out for each other. Great read.

I enjoyed this book and it taught me things I wouldn’t have normally learned. As a relationship article writer, I am a proponentI of relationship education. This book squarely reinforces my position. If you are in a relationship or working on getting into one, this book is what I consider a “must read.” -John Williams

TL;DR: I got a lot more out of "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment" that I read eight years ago if looking for something on attachment theory. Didn't really like the book and found it simplistic. It was hard to determine credibility of the author. Half of the 'examples' feel real and half feel made up to prove an authors point. Do you know anyone who has thought "huh, all the unhappy couples I see don't make eye contact with their partners like I do!" Similarly, compared to other books on mental health and human interaction, it was pretty light on research. Two studies within 40 years to provide credibility of a core foundation of the book? Okay, but why 7 at the end to prove a paragraph that 'humans need touch'. Its strange. Also feel like the idea of an isolated couple who stand together as an island felt pretty outdated. Relationship above all else is ripe for abuse. Two times it questions couples having 'individual therapists', which is bizarre.

I love how it give an insight about relationships and how to keep them. The reflective work inside is good to fully understand yourself better and how you are in a relationship.

The book I agreed to buy was in almost new condition. I just received the book and its lined on alot of places. I dont consider that as good as new.

It helps me understand me and my partner better and I've already learned a lot about fighting and identifying signs of stress in both of us. I would totally by this book again. Stan Tatkin is a great author and therapist, I also recommend his blog and he's guest in some youtube podcasts. The book is partly pretty easy to read with good realistic examples and partly very detailed about neuroscientistic stuff that explains the deeper layers of our brain/behaviour. And it also gives good, do-able advice on how to handle stressful situation. It already helped me and my partner to create better situation for each other. Pretty lovely!

This book provides insights which help us to avoid or defuse situations which otherwise might lead to conflict or bitterness in couple relationships. I quickly learned to identify the 'primitives' and 'ambassadors' (baddies and goodies) in my couple behaviour and adjust accordingly; and how best to repair the relationship in those times when my angry instincts got the better of me. You can gain from reading the book by yourself, but the full value will come if you and your couple partner both read it, as this means you can both 'try harder' in the relationship rather than make one-sided improvements.

This book brings a new understanding to the self and relationships. It's nice to know your feelings are normal, natural and experienced by many- I especially liked the wave, island and anchor analogy. The book is written beautifully to keep the reader interested as well as wanting more.