The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps

Melissa's book "ADHD Effect on Marriage" is like a Bible for couples in troubled relationships due to the fascinating brain condition, that is ADHD. The content, style of writing and the tools offered are excellent, professional and most of all practical & actionable. The author is able to display the positive and negative aspects of Adult ADHD when it is not treated appropriately, by acknowledging the difficulties of both spouses equally. Melissa has had the firsthand experience of being in an ADHD relationship and being able to work through it, which puts her high up along with other professionals, and in my book may be even more. I see a lot of comparisons to Gina Pera's book "Is it you me or Adult A.D.D.?" in the other reviews, but I don't think there's any need for comparing the two books because even though both talk about ADHD they both have very different approaches. It is important to see what fits for each person. That doesn't make Melissa's book or tools any less important or valid. I am a Mental Health professional in the field of Social Work as well as an individual with a partner who has ADHD. Melissa's experience and knowledge as described in her book not only helped me to a great extent to understand the dynamics of my own relationship, but helped many of my clients as well to whom I have recommended the book. I believe that Melissa speaks the language which is familiar to anyone with ADHD without hurting anyone and also is able to guide couples very well through her detailed descriptions and steps in the book. I highly appreciate her passion, sincerity and dedication to share the knowledge to help others who are in a similar situation, through the journey of recovery and healing from the "ADHD effect" (as she says). Anyone who has lived with a partner with ADHD can easily identify with the dynamics Melissa has described in the book. I like the fact that she talks about `denial' in both spouses and places emphasis on the symptoms and responses that play a major role in ADHD affected relationships. I can see that it could be difficult for some non ADHD spouses to accept their part and it is part of that process of passing through the stage of denial which appears to be the most important phase for both spouses to move forward. I can understand this from my own experience. I would say that it is important for both the spouses to make a conscious choice and decision to remain in the relationship and work through the problems, after understanding the positive and negative factors of ADHD in a relationship. This book will play a major role in facilitating that understanding. It also gives great insight into both realities of ADHD and non ADHD and will help the spouses appreciate the differences which is the main key in the process of repairing the relationship. I haven't found a better resource than this book if one is interested in reversing the patterns that are common in ADHD affected relationships. I would highly recommend this book and give Melissa all the credit for her excellent work in this field. I also wish her all the best and success for her future work, much of which is needed as we have just started to understand Adult ADHD and there's a long way to go.

This book should be required reading for any couple in which one or both spouses has — or suspects they might have — ADHD. If I had read it just one year earlier than I did, it probably would have helped prevent divorce. I have ADHD and was the poster child for Adderall. I thought it fully normalized me. With its help, I was able to get two masters and a doctorate degree in physics. Sure, I struggled with organization, but I thought it was manageable. I was well-liked by most people…except, so it felt, my wife. My wife saw my messes at home, heard my promises to do better, and was sick and tired of having to remind me to do chores around the house. She was annoyed that I was well-liked and felt like I was a hypocrite—only she knew the “real me”. She nagged me mercilessly , even when I begged her to give me space. She hated that I withdrew to play games, read or just rest, rather than doing the things she demanded me to do. She felt lonely, deeply angry, and very much unloved. Nothing I said would make her believe I loved her. She lost trust in me. She felt perpetually exhausted, thinking she had to take care of not just herself, but me also—as if she was my mother and I was her child. She eventually left me. Our story is not unique. Couples impacted by ADHD are twice as likely to divorce. This book describes the almost inevitable problems that couples impacted by ADHD face and the symptoms of ADHD, misunderstandings and responses to those symptoms that can make those problems so difficult to understand and break. This book offers a level-headed, sobering and extremely relatable depiction of ADHD and the surprising ways it affects marriages. Orlov expertly argues that neither spouse is necessarily more to blame: both play a role and both have work to do to repair the relationship. I have bought almost a dozen copies to give to friends. I cannot recommend it enough!

Update: Oh, how important it is that this material be presented widely! And, learned while young, could likely prevent years of heartbreak & harmful personality adaptation patterns which are hard to break when well established and layered with the challenges of aging. My DH has refused to invest in the thousands of dollars over the course of the first year that therapy or coaching for him, therapy for me re: eggshell/walking living, and the all important therapy for the marriage would require. He became (apparently predictably) depressed, when, once medicated, he began to take in his large part in our difficulties. It had been his pattern all through the years to dismiss and blame me, and now I expected real improvement, and it seemed valid, yet overwhelming. His behavior became more passive-aggressive and deteriorated to the point I could no longer live in the same household, for my own sanity, waiting for a "good moment" with him, much less anything requiring compassion and forethought. He doesn't believe in the available help, after so many costly therapy sessions that went nowhere. He's tired & hopeless before he really began. I am going through a difficult divorce now, yet believe it must be for the best. Help get this into the hands of young people, and some inexpensive way for average folks to be personally guided, as books and ADHD often don't mix well. Thank you, also, for your teleseminar, Melissa. It was well done. I may retrain to assist in this field, seeing the huge need. Melissa has done an excellent job of laying out the ramifications of un or under addressed ADHD's effect on marriage. What is sorely needed now is a weekend workshop for couples and therapist certification in the methods recommended here. With 16 years of this marital challenge behind us, divorce was very much on it's way, and yet with this book we both have a new ally, a resurgence of hope. I will go to the next therapist, put this in his or her hands, and say "read this, and handle us this way". Something resembling the Gottman's weekends and therapist training is needed to offer a lifeline to the many couples headed for divorce unnecessarily, if they just had help. Interactive settings are often much better in getting through to ADHD folks than books. Having a respected presenter say the same things the non-ADHD partner is trying to express should increase credibility, and open the door to understanding. Books are simply not enough. A non-profit method to provide this help to lower income folks would have a huge impact. It may be too late for us. We needed to put to use this type of information and support a very long time ago, and while I have read many current, excellent books on the subject, this one hits home as the best. Hope we can scrape ourselves together for another try. Thank you, thank you, Melissa for bringing forth this validating, useful, wise book.

Apparently something to consider before dating or marrying. If I could do it again, I would side step those with ADHD, even dating! It was not recognized in the 70’s, been together 50 years now (married 47, in marriage counseling 3 times and have 2 ADHD children). One of the counselors mentioned my husband having it; but never explored it as perhaps a source of the problem. My husband listened to the audio version, never been medicated with no interest in adapting any new strategies. He was proud of himself for staying faithful (although lines have been crossed). Glad to hear there is such a thing as support groups for the non-ADHD spouse/parent - that brought some validation to my tired heart and soul. Only God kept us together, beating the odds (higher divorce rate likely).

I am a non-ADHD spouse married to my husband who has ADHD. By the time he found this book and suggested it, we had legally separated after 14 years of marriage. We had tried everything, but had been going in increasingly negative circles for years. Although neither of us wanted to sacrifice the past 14 years, we wanted to live like we had been, for another 14 years, even less. Reading this book confirmed by suspicion that all the therapy, counseling, romantic getaways, communication, etc. in the world will not fix a marriage where untreated and unmanaged ADHD symptoms are present. This book represents the unvarnished truth, from someone who has experienced the issue intimately and has the communication skills to convey what she has learned. But the book is not just touchy-feely; she delves into the research in an approachable way, and gives exercises in each chapter for the reader to gauge where they are at and what types of ADHD symptoms/responses are causing the most problems. I felt, at many points during the reading, that she was reading my mind. Her advice for the non-ADHD spouse to stop the destructive reactions and instead focus on "who you want to be" was, in fact, EXACTLY what I had said to myself just a few months prior, and the reason I separated and moved out. The bottom line is that both people in the partnership need to take responsibility for their own behavior. But, as anyone who is searching for this book knows, this is much easier said than done. The author validates the concerns of both ADHD and non-ADHD partners, while giving some gentle tough love that is necessary to move things forward. I felt very validated after reading this book (I'm not just a shrew!) and visiting the companion website at [...]. With some hard work and honesty on both of our parts, we are now reconciled and experiencing a whole new relationship (better than when we first met, in fact). But even if it hadn't worked out, this book would have helped greatly with enhancing clarity on the situation and creating an authentic self to take forward as a divorced, newly single person. If you are in a place where you think this book might be helpful, it probably will be. You have very little to lose and much to gain.

I read in an article somewhere that most people who get out of an ADHD marriage wonder how they survived such a "train wreck". I have been married to an ADHD husband for 37 years. And I have an 18 year old ADHD daughter. I feel like I have been through years of train wrecks. It's exhausting. I hired an ADD coach for myself who reminded me I was living with two "aliens". When my husband poo-pooed the coach's suggestions, coach wished me luck with the frustrations to come. I want to separate from my spouse. I wish I'd had this book 30 years ago. Melissa's story is my story. Exactly. But, I began drinking heavily to deal with the stress and denial of my family members that they had any disorder. Feeling ignored and attacked, that "I was the one with the problem" finally has finished it for me. I had to get to Alcoholics Anonymous seeking recovery help from alcoholism and depression. Everything Melissa Orlov mentions is spot on. There is work that must be willingly undertaken by both spouses in order for the marriage to survive. My daughter and husband finally agreed to evaluations which recommended taking meds which all the docs agreed they needed. And they love how their meds help them. But they won't do the additional cognitive behavioral piece which absolutely should happen--because this affects me heavily. They don't see the value; they refuse to hear how difficult living with their behavior can be for me. I hate to say my marriage is done, but I am holding on only until my daughter leaves for college. If you have an ADHD or ADD spouse, read this now and seriously follow Melissa's suggestions. Do the work in loving kindness and with the expectation that you both want the best for each other. Be willing, honest, open to change and help with this neurological disorder. Don't let train wrecks of alienation, affairs, fighting, and resentments rule your life. Sadly, I have come to realize how much happier I am when I am alone, especially for long stretches of time, at peace, living in a way that nurtures and doesn't suck the soul out of me.

This book was a revelation. We now have a diagnosis, treatment, and some hope. Practical, helpful, relatable, and got conversations going. It helps both the partner with adhd and without better understand each other and doesn’t validate one experience over the other.

I am a wife with a husband who has ADHD, and bought the kindle version. PROS: This book is very insightful on the many horrible effects ADHD can have on a marriage. There are a LOT of excerpts from people who are going through the same things I am, and It was incredibly validating to read I am not the only one to suffer in this way. That in itself is very important and worth the price of the book. CONS: I didn't find most of the "steps to recovery" very helpful. The author's ADHD husband had cheated on her, and that was when she decided to change herself to help her marriage. While I am happy they found their personal way back to happiness, I lost respect for the steps because I knew they came from someone describing how she personally came to peace with adultery as well as ADHD. ADHD or not, I don't believe anyone should ever stay with a cheater. I am totally with the non-ADHD partner changing the way they think about ADHD, and try to understand where those with the disorder are coming from. It has helped me sympathize more with my husband. I agree that both should work on themselves to make it work. But I felt the book overlooked that there are some lines that should never crossed, ADHD or not. I would have liked to have seen more tips on how to get the ADHD person to recognize the direness of the situation before actual divorce. My husband, for instance, is great in an emergency. But for some reason he doesn't recognize our marriage is in a state of emergency, and probably won't until it's too late and I leave. It would be great to know tips on how to break through to the ADHD partner. Overall though, it's a worthy read, and I am sure it would help many like me feel not alone.

Great guide to understand the consequences of ADHD

This book was a lifesaver for my marriage! My wife and I were struggling to understand each other, and ADHD was definitely playing a role. This book helped us to finally communicate effectively and appreciate each other's perspectives. It provided practical strategies and insights that have made a world of difference in our relationship. If you're in a relationship affected by ADHD, I highly recommend this book!

My husband has ADHD. I never understood what it is and being a very organised person I felt like I’m the only one doing the household. The book opened my eyes and I changed my expectations and also changed some things around the house and we are still together 9 years strong. Recommend.

Well written, well explained and with a good logical progression of thought that helps you work through it methodically and effectively. It addresses both partners and treats both very equally, with little to no judgement about the situation you find yourself in. Definitely worth a read for anyone who knows someone with ADHD, or for people with it.

This book genuinely shifted the way I approached my marriage. As someone with ADHD, it was validating and confronting in the best way. Orlov combines research with deeply relatable case studies. It’s not just about blame or symptoms—it’s about building empathy and strategy. A must-read for any neurodiverse couple navigating love, frustration, and communication breakdowns.