Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do

Stepmonster begins with an interesting premise, culturally and historically step mothers are discriminated against, for which Wednesday Martin provides evidence. She identifies the age-old dynamic whereby the children are antagonistic towards the step mother and the father remains passive, unable to defuse this cycle. Evidence is provided by Wednesday, that statistically second marriages with step children, have an extremely high failure rate, as high as 70%. Whereby the remaining percentage of marriages with step children which survive statistically beyond a number of years remain together.Thus, Wednesday encourages prioritising the marriage to the children by the father. Logically this makes sense. After all what’s the point of re-marrying if not to make it work.She recommends stepmothers, based on studies, disengage from stepchildren to make them feel less conflicted and give undermining mothers less ammunition to use against them. She reiterates that stepfamilies should not and cannot emulate a ‘real’ biological nuclear family with mother, father and children.I do not doubt that this might help, as what is not discussed but this is clearly set to do, is to make the biological mother feel secure in her role as mother when the children are away from her and for the stepchildren not to have to show or demonstrate any familial emotions or feelings toward a stepmother. A stepmother should accept that the mother will be involved in her home.What makes me extremely uncomfortable in this is that the undertone of the book is that a stepmother should be submissive to the stepchildren and the mother in her own home. If she has a thought or feeling toward the child in regard to care or caring, she should stifle this as she is over-reaching in her role and will antagonise the mother.Thus, the main person in the dynamic whose behaviour needs modification is the stepmother which seems to bring Wednesday full circle. Whilst at the beginning of the book she is sympathetic and indeed, at times, believes the stepmother is much maligned, by the end of the book, it is at the end of the day, the stepmother whose behaviour needs to be modified.Clearly through Wednesday Martin’s books she believes she is a feminist and progressive, I can’t help but feel that Stepmonster reinforces societal acceptance that treating stepmothers as the villain in the piece is okay, that the mother’s rights supersede the stepmother’s, and the old-fashioned biological nuclear family is the optimal situation.Whilst stepmothers are not ‘supposed’ to have feelings or be active participants in the care of the children, legally they will be expected to fund and provide the child’s care day-to-day whilst in her home. If a stepmother were not to provide material or emotional support for a stepchild she would and is considered very harshly by society. Should the stepmother unfortunately pass away, she will also be socially expected, and legally required in many places, to leave money to the children. This dichotomy is not addressed in Wednesday’s book. It is touched upon at times but not addressed.The anthropological studies provided by Wednesday are set to reinforce the idea that genetically the nuclear biological family is more able to bond. Genetically humans are 99.5% the same so this premise is based on the 0.5% difference. Can 0.5% of genetic difference account for bonding or is this social and cultural effects within the study populations?Re-married fathers are described as passive and ineffectual in the dynamic of the antagonistic children in the book. What is not described in the dynamic of the passive father and the antagonistic children toward their stepmother, is that quite often there are court orders or mediation agreements beholding the father on care arrangements, which constrains his behaviour and puts the father in a very difficult position.This creates a situation of power for the children, especially as they become teenagers and are psychologically aware of the power they hold in the dynamic of the stepmother's household. Wednesday does identify this as a motivating factor but attributes it to the stepmother being a rival for the father’s time. What is less acknowledged is that the children may also be driven to misbehave and mistreat the stepmother to please the mother. Logically the children have more at stake in the household where they spend most of their time. If the mother has majority custody of the children and the children are aware of the mother’s unhappiness or anger at the stepmother, then the children are more likely to lash out at the stepmother. Wednesday acknowledges this as the mother not ‘giving her blessing’. This seems to be watering down the role of the mother in the antagonistic dynamic.The recommendation from Wednesday for stepmothers to disengage would, logically, help to somewhat defuse this situation and may make the stepmother’s life easier if she can tune out the negative behaviour, however it won’t remove or change the underlying dynamic.Overall, the book is an interesting read, but I did find myself concluding at the end of the book that it simply reinforced the idea of stepmothers being monsters whose own behaviour was responsible for their mistreatment by their stepchildren. That if only stepmothers could find the right balance, not over-reaching or too caring, and detachment, because it is not their right to be maternalistic or nurturing toward the child, they would have a better life.

This book is wonderful if you are in the midst of "stepmothering" and feel completely overwhelmed and defeated. Just knowing that there are other people out there, going through the same things is incredibly uplifting. The fact is, when you become a stepmother you have no idea how hard it will be. Everyone (including you) has different expectations of what your role as stepmother is supposed to look like. You will go through a season when you will feel HORRIBLE about yourself all the time. If that is where you are at, this book is for you. You won't find much empathy out there from your friends and family because "you knew what you were getting into" or your new family because "the kids come first". I can now confidently say that both of those perspectives is dead wrong. Does anyone really know what they are getting into when they get married? Try adding (often traumatized) children to the newlywed mix and see how easy it is. The best thing you can do for your children/stepchildren is to have a strong marriage. Their lives have been shattered enough already without enduring another divorce. I love this book because it helped me get on the path to healing. A huge part of this is going through a grief process and letting go of what you thought your marriage and family life would be like.I know some people think this book is too negative in it's portrayal of the role of stepmother but I think it is very realistic. My husband started it then stopped reading because it was "too depressing". LOL, that's the life a a step mom!

I've been a step mother since 2005, two grown already when we got married - that's gone just fine - one was nearly six when we got married and is now nearly 19 and that's been one of the most difficult things I've had to live through and I've had some very hard life events. This book helped me to remember that I'm not alone in this endeavor, that my relationship with my husband comes first and that children - yes, brace yourselves - can, in fact, be manipulative and try to destroy their father and stepmom's marriage. Read this book if you're feeling overwhelmed, overlooked, unappreciated, manipulated, hated, rejected, etc., you will find you're not alone and that it's not all on you!!!! Culture will lead us to believe we're totally to blame because she or he is 'just a kid'. It takes two to make a successful stepfamily - only two - the husband and wife. The kids need to be taught to respect the step mother or father and they will grow up and be just fine. The kids cannot be allowed to interfere or damage the marriage and this is where almost all of the problems occur.l. I'm so glad I found this book. I have five birth kids from my previous marriage so lots of experience in parenting and none of that prepared for me being the stepmother of one kindergartner. My own experience with preparing my birth kids for our marriage included assisting my kids in adjusting and accepting the marriage and showing them that their stepdad was a person worthy of their respect. Affection and love grew out of that. The stepmother role is the worst one in the blended family scenario - by far - as you will read in this book. Take care of yourselves, tend to your birth kids and marriage, find a way to survive if you get the short straw and the step kids are difficult and do more than survive! I'm just glad our marriage has survived the past 13 years and is now flourishing. READ THIS BOOK STEPMOMS!!!!! Dump that guilt and blame everyone has placed on you and be responsible for only your part. Learn to let go without becoming bitter. Learn to make an excellent life in spite of the efforts to the contrary that may be aimed at you. You'll be glad that you did.

As soon as I have become stepmother I find it's very difficult to search for any helpful information about being stepmum. I don't have my own kids so parenting is a big shock for me and people don't realised how difficult it could be until you become one!This book has open my mind a lot more about what to expect and it's all normal.

I’m not alone! I’m not mad! I’m not irrational and I’m not unrealistic. This is so helpful, just to know that there are others experiencing what I am and that I can learn from their experiences. Buy it and pass it to every step parent and family you know! It’s a life saving tool and makes life so much more doable.

Really thought this would give me some answers and although there are a few in here I am none the wiser and it is rather long-winded.

Insightful as a daughter growing up with divorced parents and a step mother. Then entering into a relationship of my own as the step mother.

Excellent book - insightful, generous, reassuring and well written. I wish I had read this book ten years ago!