The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully

I drafted this review of Frank Ostaseski's "Five Invitations" a year ago, while filled with gratitude for its nourishing wisdom. What recently prompted me to follow up with my intention to post it here is a recent facebook post in which the author offered poignant reflections about the stroke he suffered two months ago. So, here is my review of his book followed by his very touching and inspiring public post. (September 2018) Almost every day for the past few weeks, I have been listening to the Audible version of Frank Ostaseski's Five Invitations, replaying certain passages over and over. I have felt deeply comforted by his warm soothing voice, and all he has to say about what death has taught him during the 20 years he worked at the Zen Hospice Project which he founded in San Francisco. His stories are often heart-breaking, but always uplifting. I have found them particularly helpful this summer when death has been repeatedly calling me back into its classroom... when my youthful friend Krista died of lung cancer after a 3-year long journey in which she taught me a whole lot about courage, faith, and love... when my friend Aerin delivered her first child, a beautiful baby boy who had mysteriously died in her womb two days before his birth... when my friend Katie called me from an airport on her way to her sister's to ask for my support in coping with the devastating news that her beloved 18-year old nephew had died in car accident the previous night, just before he was going to leave home for his first day of college... and when I sat home in shock for two days after learning that my Egyptian friend Hend had died in a car accident the day after her birthday, leaving her husband and their 2 year old daughter behind. How can we embrace the overwhelming feeling of powerlessness that arises when someone we love disappears abruptly, or a friend is faced with a loss too immense to comprehend? How do we use these heart-breaking situations to allow our hearts to grow bigger? What can the prospect or reality of death teach us about how to live more authentically, courageously, and generously? Frank Ostaseski has a whole lot to say about all that. While I have loved keeping a copy the book nearby to revisit certain passages easily, I especially recommend listening to the Audible version, because it’s quite a special transmission. There is a particular way of being and communicating that infuses those who have welcomed death as an intimate teacher for decades. And I personally think there is a lot we can receive from the energy they transmit through their words... than the mere reading of words on a page could ever impart. And finally, here is an excerpt of the public facebook post which Frank Ostaseski posted on September 7, 2019: "Some of you know I suffered a severe stroke on July 13. Since then there was a series of smaller strokes and hospitalizations. Once again I am reminded of the precarious nature of this human life and this puts me in touch with its preciousness. And this in turn gives rise to gratefulness. I find myself thankful for breath, mountains and rivers, friends old and new and the seen and invisible forces that guide and shape our lives. Today my heart is full with love of my bride Vanda. Today is our wedding anniversary. I am reminded of the steadying supportive facets of love that enable us to live fully through thick and thin and to embrace each other “ as is” as we vowed years ago. Hold those you love closely. Say thank you often. And love as fully as you are able." My wish for any of us who are drawn to read or listen to this beautiful book is to let it teach us more about what we need to learn about how to live in the truest possible way, with greater presence and full-heartedness.

My mom passed away recently. Hers was an agonizingly slow and painful death, preceded by several years of denial, anger and fear. I nearly killed MYSELF trying to care for her. Her whole life my mother had been a joyful, loving person. She’d never win a Mother of the Year award, but her love for me was evident. She embraced the simple pleasures of life: a great cup of coffee and a sunrise, rocking out to excellent music in the car, and prolific laughter. Stage four kidney cancer left her resistant, mean, delusional, resentful and utterly self-defeating. Now I know that some of her terrible judgment and cruelty toward me were caused by mental illness and poorly managed pain. We fought a lot because I devoted so much time and energy to helping her live longer and better and supporting her emotionally, yet she refused to follow through, accept her illness or make arrangements. She was terrified of death and grew furious when I even gently brought it up as a possibility. I was naively determined to save her from something she refused to acknowledge as real. I was the unstoppable force and she was the immovable object. Once I finally got her set up with hospice in a lovely, state-of-the-art personal care home near my house, I happened to find this book while searching for answers. I read The Five Invitations by my mother’s bedside in her final weeks. She spent three weeks in the “hours to minutes before death” stage. Nobody on the hospice team could explain how she was still alive. She hadn’t eaten in a couple weeks and only drank maybe a sip of water a day. Sometimes I feel her protracted death was a gift to me because it allowed me to read this book in the most relevant possible environment and context. I cannot overemphasize how much Frank Ostaseski helped me survive the end of my mother’s life, by way of The Five Invitations. This book is essential reading for every human. In its pages, in Frank’s stories about others, I saw so much of my mother and myself. The book felt like it was written for the sole purpose of guiding me through this last, painful phase. In this book you won’t find dogmatic scolding or feel-good BS. You will learn about the messy, beautiful, ugly, horrifying, exquisite, moving, monumental process of death, and why it’s inextricably linked with life. You will learn emotional and spiritual tools for life, and you will finish it with a greater understanding of and readiness for your own death. The lessons in the book are delivered firmly yet tenderly, and they’ll be with me for the rest of my life. I truly do feel better equipped for both a richer life and a more meaningful death. I wish I’d read it years ago. I wish I’d been able to share it with my mom. Then again, in a way, I did. I don’t subscribe to any particular religion, (though I’m fond of Buddhist teachings), but while I read The Five Invitations at my mom’s side, I kept thinking of my favorite line from the film The Last Temptation of Christ: “Death is not a door that closes. It opens. It opens and you go through it.” Thank you, Frank.

This is one of those books I will savor again and again for its poetic, wise, gentle and reassuring way of soothing and awakening us from our fear around death and dying. It is one of those gems born out of the heart of compassion. For years, Frank Ostaseski brought loving kindness, dignity and comfort to those dying. He has changed the diapers of aids patients, feared and banished by society, alone and suffering, on the park benches on the streets of San Francisco. He has sat at the bedside and the heart side of thousands in their final hours. He didn't strive to offer up advice or false hope, but instead took up residence in the very heart of the great mystery and cultivated the "don't know mind" that is the fertile womb for true and lasting intimacy." He embodies the space of calm abiding in the very midst of the ultimate letting go. Frank Ostaseski's "The Five Invitations " beckons us to surrender into a much fuller, more intimate exchange with life, as we discover "what death can teach us". "The Five Invitations" are: • Don't wait • Welcome Everything, Push Away Nothing • Bring Your Whole Self to the Experience • Find a Place of Rest in the Middle of Things • Cultivate Don't Know Mind This is a book that I will long cherish ...a loyal, faithful companion, with well worn pages, turned down corners , frayed edges, rainbow highlighting, and love. Don't wait, to purchase this book. Welcome it into your keeping, bring your whole self to it, rest between the spaces of each offering and let go into the freedom of not having to know. Simply trust in the beauty and wisdom being offered in this moment. There is no accident that you are reading this. You don't have to know what has drawn you to read this review. Just trust the gentle pull that brought you here. You won't regret it. This book is a gem.

When I was 12, my mom died of cancer. It spread from her lungs to her brain, briefly going into remission to cruelly give us hope before slowly killing her. For years, I was mad at the world because of this and I turned that anger inward on myself. It was a poisonous way to live, mostly devoid of joy or love. No one could understand how I felt, I thought, so I wouldn't try to explain it to them. Over the last few years, I've learned how to stop poisoning myself. After finishing Frank's book last week, I have a whole new set of tools to use death to embrace life. I also have a new view: We all live and we all die, therefore we all have been touched by death in our own ways. If we haven't been touched yet, we will be. This, to me, means that love and compassion are the ways forward for humanity, even with our enemies or people we've fallen out with. Perhaps I sound like a flit yogi or Woodstock washout, but I'm OK with that if it means I don't have to be owned by pain and fear of death. I know that my mom is within me still in some way, even if just as a lovely memory. Perhaps you can catch of my same high and also gain some new tools for living more fully and with more love from Frank's book. It's very good - I found myself laughing, crying, and rapt by Frank's stories and knowledge at different points of the book. It's a very sweet, helpful, and compassionate book. Frank, who worked has at an end-of-life hospice in San Francisco for decades, has an intimate relationship with death. You'd think this would make him callous or cynical like my childhood self, but quite the opposite is true: he embraces death as reality and is therefore able to live more fully. You can embrace death for a more full life, too. Any of us who have had a relative die might remember their regrets or sorrows, the "I wish I could have.." or "I'm sad I won't be able to..." before death carries them away. We likely know what our own wishes and sorrows are; why wait until the end to address them? Why not learn from our loved ones? Frank's methods for using death to live a more full life are sound. "Don't wait" is his first invitation, and I'm sure we've all had opportunities and moments pass by while we said "Hm, maybe later." Well guess what? This happens with life, too. Don't wait. Frank's anecdotes - sometimes sweet, sometimes gut-wrenching - will help you see how his invitations have worked over the years. I was touched by the many people who died next to Frank, all who seemed to show an immense, seemingly improbable strength in the face of death. Frank's message: we can show this strength in life, too, but it may not necessarily be what we think of as "strength." Vulnerability can be strength, he writes. So can acceptance. Even if all you get from this book is the fact that death is part of life - one that shouldn't be treated as life's deranged cousin - then I think you'll have your money's worth. However, you'll get more than that. A very good book. Read, and then live. But be careful doing both at the same time- after all, we're trying to accept death here, not run toward it.

Having heard Frank Ostaseski speak at a mindfulness conference a year ago, I was deeply moved by his compassion, wisdom, vulnerability and heart-centered service to the dying and their families. Upon hearing that Frank had written a book about "what death can teach us about living fully." I felt confident his writings would be a sacred guide and gift to the world. When reading Frank's newly released book this week, I have found his writing to be very congruent with his " in person" teachings. What a treasure to have this resource. So whether a person is facing a life-threatening illness, is a compassionate caregiver, is facing other challenges of loss or is looking for a way to live a life of true meaning and purpose, Five Invitations is an exceptional guide for embracing the ever changing terrain of the human experience. As I savored each chapter of The Five Invitations, I felt like I was in the same room as Frank, having a very intimate conversation of what matters most on the journey of life and death. I also found Frank's stories of serving individuals and families at Zen Hospice Project of San Francisco to make a lasting imprint on my heart and soul. To summarize The Five Invitations, firstly, Frank shares the importance of living now, not putting life on hold, along with the fact that all of life is ever changing and is impermanent. Secondly, Frank encourages us to move towards our suffering and to welcome all things.. The Third Invitation is to bring our entire being to all of life's experiences, including our strengths and challenges, in other words, the light and the dark. Fourthly, Frank encourages us to find ways to embrace a place of stillness, peace, comfort and centeredness, which will ultimately help us to be with physical and/or psychological discomfort, chaos, and uncertainty. As the Fifth Invitation, Frank's shares his wisdom of how to be open to life, to surrender to what is and to embrace life fully with a sense of wonder in the here and now.

I have finished reading this book and I am intoxicated with the love and compassion in it. I am a former Hospice nurse and also preparing myself to die. One important think I have learned for myself is the notion of surrender. I had seen in in my patients, how beautiful it was, sometimes it was a gentle smile, sometimes it was a look in the eye that told me that these wonderful people have succeeded to surrender ,softly and holy,no verbalizing was necessary. This is an amazing book, one to be read by everyone in the healt fieid, our chergy,out selfs and family. Surrender it not the only thing i have learned, I hope to leasn more in the time I have left before I get on the great journey ,I wish you peace finding your way.

A book club offering from ABODE Contemplative Care for the Dying on Facebook began in July. Originally we thought that we would complete it in 5 weeks, using the question/reflection format that is suggested. We discovered that we needed more time to read, and to be with the questions, so we took 2 weeks on each of the remaining Invitations. It was an experiment--face-to-face discussion is more intimate— and some found the Facebook format lacking in that sense. Others found it worked. Several people posted comments on the reflections—most did not. One group member suggested another book club to meet face-to-face. I feel confident that most readers had the experience that they needed to have, reading, reflecting, sharing its message of living life fully, with awareness, and love. Frank is a wise, gentle, and compassionate teacher. He weaves stories, personal experience, and insight that he shares generously, in the book, and in person. Almost 10 years ago, I went on retreat to Upaya where Roshi Joan Halifax and Frank were teaching together. It was then that I first heard Frank introduce and speak about what he called The Five Precepts. He gave descriptions of how to practice them. It was enough to be able to go away and begin to learn to be with them, in a small way, to draw on them, to help me continue in full time work as a hospice spiritual caregiver after 15 years, and to help myself with the challenges that arise in personal life, growth and letting to. A little more than a year later, I founded ABODE Contemplative Care for the Dying. And, gratefully, we have this book, The Five Invitations. Thank you, Frank, and all of your teachers.

Absolutely loved this book. Beautiful stories, takeaway wisdom that’s applicable to all.

Beautiful book that helped me emotionally prepare for my mothers end of life time. Also answered a lot of deep questions about my own ideology and gave me new ways to look at my own life.

A beautiful hearty read. Beautiful gift of insights and revelation.

誰もが経験する"死"について書いてあります。医療関係の仕事をしていますが影響されました。私は"死"はいずれ訪れるものだと思い毎日暮らしています。"死"はなるべく遠くにしまってたまに見てすぐに蓋をして戻って来る。そうして毎日生活しています。しかし、著者は書きました"死は常に私たちの回りに存在している。だから生があると"分かりやすい言葉で書いてあります。オススメです。ぜひ読んでみてください。

Todos deberiamos leer este libro por que de manera amorosa te deja ver lo que no debes perderte de la vida.

Life changing book. I have given a copy to both my parents and they also found it deeply altering.